One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.I was maybe 2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.Then she says, (as only a mother would know ...)'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Beer

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f*** away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

Beer

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," She replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" She answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear..........
"That's me before the surgery."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a high rise building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too.' The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and he jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
' Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women! Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.... Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Consequence of Global Warming

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people In a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans say unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designedto karry funf Persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer."Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and youare thereforea breaking da law."
The German driver replies angrily,
"You idiot! Call your supervisorover. I vant to speak to somevone viz more Intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busywitta 2 Guys in a Fiat Uno."

Tech Support

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"
message Every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Cool Ads

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: {pause} "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies.
"I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.
"Your right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said:
"No,no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Garage

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Cool Ads-Jaguar

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

Cool Ads

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1
. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

The Difference Between Women and Men

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?" !
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." ! And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said

* * "What's a headache?"

Axe Effect

A Concert in Ireland

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping, ya asshole!"

Axe Effect

What are the three fastest ways of communication?

Three fastest means of communication in the world are:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.


You still want faster?
4. Tell her not to tell anyone.

Axe Effect

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capeli?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed, Father"
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino. slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Axe Effect

Usual working day:
Wake up, Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Hochland, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Tuborg. Tuborg. Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg. Nokia...
Nokia. Durex. Colgate.
Day is over.

Time to Visit Oculist:)

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember".

When a Japanese Baby is Born...

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how doyou determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her toempty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use thebucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do youwant a bed near the window?"

Axe Effect

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, ut pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.

One-Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...





He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

Time to Visit Oculist:)

Cool Ads

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons."I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond girl timidly spoke up."I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."