Time to Visit Oculist:)

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell "crocodile?"
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how "I" spelled it.
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TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
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TEACHER: Hunter, name me one important thing that we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me !
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TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth.....Always say "I am".....not "I is".
BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Ma'am, I don't have to. My Mum is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher

Axe Effect

Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:

Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes. Greek
Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH!!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Time to visit oculist:)

Porn for Women

Typical Man

MARRIED LIFE

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT HOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after.

Cool Ads

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly -"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Need glasses?

Funny "Out of Office" Messages

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
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I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
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You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
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Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
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I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
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Thank you for your email.Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
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MY choice :-): The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
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Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days.
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Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
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I am on holiday.Your e-mail has been deleted.
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Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.Please wait by your PC for my response.
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Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job.Please don't bother to leave me any messages.
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I've run away to join a different circus.
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I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

He Forgot

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Time for Your Own Car

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."