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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
-"Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
-"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
-"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
-"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
-"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
-"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Axe Effect

Father to son after exam:
-"Let me see your report card."
Son:
-"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Son:
-Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom:
-Well, you have done the right thing.
Son:
-But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Girl:
-When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:
-It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl:
-Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Wife:
-You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband:
-When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife:
-You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband:
-Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
- One Woman Brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you Continue to do so.

IKEA-Job Interview

Monastery

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R" !"His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB R ATE!!! "

Where Icicles Come From

Programmer

Girl to her boyfriend:
-"One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies:
-"Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha"

Interviewer to Millionaire:
-"To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire:
-"I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:
-"Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire:
-"Billionaire"

How the Greek Dancing Started

Skoda

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

This girl walks into a chemist's shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, 'What do you want with arsenic?' She said 'I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman.' The pharmacist says, 'I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady,even if he is having sex with another woman.'So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says 'Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.'

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this!!!) God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

Raid

Cute

Doctor

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

"So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one hada headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" saysGeorge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' Lord Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

:)

BEST BREAK UP LETTER EVER:

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends,cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f-k you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife:
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.""Yes, she says, "I remember it well.""OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?""Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step-mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Cool Parrot

http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

Irish Homecoming

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.""OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...""Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

Postcards from Honeymoon

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "Air Canada."Mom took out her latest McLean's magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

Meet You in Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her."Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived."I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", the woman told him."Which word?", her husband asked."Czechoslovakia."

"Man Of The House",

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home.
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife

Job interview in England

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow
banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Spanish: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage ,he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

DEAR DIARY

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I'm all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ...won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room.We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could sleep with someone I'd known such a short amount of time.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. Once more he asked me to visit him for the night and again but I declined He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled!

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

Saved 1600 lives today...Twice.