Time to Visit Oculist:)

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell "crocodile?"
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how "I" spelled it.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Hunter, name me one important thing that we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me !
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth.....Always say "I am".....not "I is".
BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Ma'am, I don't have to. My Mum is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher

Axe Effect

Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:

Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes. Greek
Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH!!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Time to visit oculist:)

Porn for Women

Typical Man

MARRIED LIFE

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT HOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after.

Cool Ads

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly -"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Need glasses?

Funny "Out of Office" Messages

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
*********************
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
*********************
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
*********************
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
*********************
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
*********************
Thank you for your email.Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
*********************
MY choice :-): The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).
*********************
Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days.
*********************
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
*********************
I am on holiday.Your e-mail has been deleted.
*********************
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.Please wait by your PC for my response.
*********************
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job.Please don't bother to leave me any messages.
*********************
I've run away to join a different circus.
*********************
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

He Forgot

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Time for Your Own Car

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Cool Ads

Cool Ads

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
-"Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
-"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
-"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
-"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
-"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
-"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Axe Effect

Father to son after exam:
-"Let me see your report card."
Son:
-"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Son:
-Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom:
-Well, you have done the right thing.
Son:
-But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Girl:
-When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy:
-It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl:
-Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Wife:
-You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband:
-When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife:
-You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband:
-Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
- One Woman Brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you Continue to do so.

IKEA-Job Interview

Monastery

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R" !"His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB R ATE!!! "

Where Icicles Come From

Programmer

Girl to her boyfriend:
-"One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies:
-"Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha"

Interviewer to Millionaire:
-"To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire:
-"I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:
-"Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire:
-"Billionaire"

How the Greek Dancing Started

Skoda

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

This girl walks into a chemist's shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, 'What do you want with arsenic?' She said 'I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman.' The pharmacist says, 'I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady,even if he is having sex with another woman.'So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says 'Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.'

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this!!!) God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

Raid

Cute

Doctor

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

"So,George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one hada headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" saysGeorge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' Lord Jesus George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

:)

BEST BREAK UP LETTER EVER:

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends,cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f-k you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife:
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.""Yes, she says, "I remember it well.""OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?""Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step-mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Cool Parrot

http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

Irish Homecoming

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.""OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...""Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

Postcards from Honeymoon

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "Air Canada."Mom took out her latest McLean's magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

Meet You in Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her."Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived."I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", the woman told him."Which word?", her husband asked."Czechoslovakia."

"Man Of The House",

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home.
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife

Job interview in England

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow
banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Spanish: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage ,he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

DEAR DIARY

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I'm all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ...won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room.We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could sleep with someone I'd known such a short amount of time.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. Once more he asked me to visit him for the night and again but I declined He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled!

DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX

Saved 1600 lives today...Twice.